Emotional Masochism and Sadism: On Aggression/Anger, and Authority

We all harbor a stream of aggressive energy within us. Like the sexual drive, it is a fundamental psychological force. This energy itself is neither good nor bad—it can destroy a person or make a person. The real distinction lies in our ability to master it.

Behind the behaviors of many victims and sadists lies a hidden longing: the desire to become better, more complete. But if a person does not know how to observe themselves, how to transform this aggressive energy, this "desire to improve" will go astray, ultimately turning into emotional self-harm or harm toward others. To some extent, victimhood and sadism are substitutes that aggression turns to when it finds no healthy outlet—when a person cannot grow in a positive way, they are prone to regress into such twisted dynamics.

I. The Victim: Anger Turned Inward

Victims often become entangled with "bad partners." They have an exceptionally high tolerance for harm and may even unconsciously form a fixed complementarity with the abuser, unknowingly maintaining the pattern. At the core lies a key psychological mechanism: the victim harbors a large amount of anger directed at themselves. Unable to express or transform this anger directly, they seek release through being hurt, forming a self-punishing cycle.

The source of this self-attack is often an extremely harsh inner judge (in psychology, the "superego"—the internalized moral standards, authority expectations, and social norms that criticize and restrain raw impulses, telling us right from wrong). However, we must distinguish between two kinds of inner voices: the destructive voice says, "You must be perfect, or you don't deserve to live"; the constructive voice says, "You need to correct your bad habits to become a more authentic version of yourself." The former uses aggression to destroy the self; the latter uses aggression to fuel self-growth.

The victim's dilemma is that they cannot tell these two voices apart, or even if they can, they don't know how to put the constructive voice into practice. They vaguely sense an inner force pushing them toward self-improvement but find no healthy way to respond. Consequently, they misinterpret this force as "I must be punished to become better"—believing that only through physical pain, emotional humiliation, and relational suffering can they satisfy the inner judge's demand for "perfection."

Victims often find it hard to simply enjoy life because that driving force never ceases. This force could be positive—if properly directed, it can foster self-awareness, proactive correction, and personality maturation. But due to a lack of transformation skills, this positive force degrades into self-punishment: rather than pursuing growth, they use suffering as a substitute for growth, using self-harm to avoid real change.

When victims gradually learn to distinguish the "harsh voice" from the "genuine need for growth," and slowly convert aggression into tangible action, the anger directed inward weakens or becomes integrated as healthy self-criticism—allowing them to see their shortcomings while also accepting themselves. Conversely, if they never find a path for transformation, the anger accumulates, constantly projects onto the "bad partner," and traps them in a vicious cycle of "self-punishment → being abused → further self-denigration."

It must be noted: the severity of the inner critic can sometimes exceed a person's capacity to bear, but this is not insurmountable. The key is whether one can transform the energy behind this harshness. Once concrete directions for improvement are found and energy is channeled into action, this harshness can become a driving force for growth. If no path is found, it easily becomes a self-imposed prison.

II. The Sadist: The Distorted "Reformer"

In sadomasochistic dynamics, the sadist is often seen by the victim as the "bad partner." This interaction pattern, in turn, reinforces the sadist's own tendencies. Many sadists are acutely sensitive to others' flaws—they can see through superficial beauty to the darkness, hypocrisy, and self-deception beneath—and feel a strong impulse to expose these pretenses. Of course, in a twisted relationship, this "exposure" is not aimed at the other's growth but at alleviating their own inner anxiety and releasing the aggressive energy they cannot otherwise transform.

Some sadists rationalize their behavior as a distorted "desire to reform"—they want to use harsh, even brutal, hurtful methods to expose another's weaknesses or hypocrisy and force them to change. To some extent, this can be seen as an attempt to transform aggression: using aggressive energy to "expose falsehood" and "urge growth." But because this attempt lacks empathy and boundaries, it ultimately becomes perverse. It must be clarified: while some abusive behavior does stem from a distorted reform motive, not all does. For some sadists, the core drives are control, revenge, or the gratification of power, unrelated to any growth wish.

A person who can truly help others grow can transform aggression into guided, empathetic, and bounded intervention—pointing out problems while also offering support. Genuine "reform" also requires sufficient wisdom, patience, and empathy, respecting the other person's autonomy rather than forcing and controlling.

The sadist's problem lies in their inability to channel aggressive energy into constructive action. When they realize that simply venting anger cannot truly change others nor alleviate their own anxiety, they fall into deep helplessness and escalate their hurtful behavior as a way to discharge rage, entering a vicious cycle of emotional abuse. It's not that they don't want to be "reformers"; they just don't know how—they can only release energy in the most primitive, destructive ways.

In some cases, if a sadist finds that the person they once harshly criticized has genuinely made positive changes—and that these changes arise from self-awakening rather than fear or pressure—their adversarial stance may ease somewhat (though this is not a universal rule). This suggests that their inner aggression could have been directed toward healthy relational engagement, but they lack the skills and patience to consistently transform that energy into positive action.

It should be noted that many people are not purely victims or sadists but oscillate between the two. They want to become better people through self-correction, and they also want to become people who spur others' growth through external urging. They have positive intentions in both directions but may fail in both, ultimately swinging between self-harm and harming others.

III. The Nature of Aggression and the Dilemma of Love

Aggression is a powerful psychological energy. Freud called it an expression of the "death drive" (Thanatos). It can manifest as attack and destruction, but under certain conditions it can also be transformed into a force for breakthrough and drive. In sadomasochistic interactions, it is sometimes used to destroy "obstacles" (e.g., hypocrisy, laziness, self-deception), though this direction is usually expressed in twisted, destructive forms. The issue is not whether one has aggression, but whether one can master it, transform it, and make it serve personal growth and relational harmony.

For the victim: the aggression directed inward could have been used to destroy their own bad habits, break through self-limiting beliefs, and urge themselves to grow—this is healthy self-criticism and self-motivation. But when they cannot transform this energy, self-criticism turns into self-punishment, and self-breakthrough turns into self-destruction.

For the sadist: the aggression directed outward could have been used to sincerely point out others' hypocrisy and mistakes, nudging them toward awakening and growth—this is the quality of a "critical friend," a form of responsibility in the relationship. But when they cannot transform this energy, sincere urging becomes pure emotional abuse, and helping becomes control and harm.

Why do we all long for love and connection yet so often fail to love well? One important reason is that we fail to master our own aggression and instead are driven by it. When we lack the ability to transform anger and manage aggression, this energy either turns inward—destroying self-worth through self-punishment—or turns outward—destroying relationships through harmful behavior.

Emotional abuse, whether internally or externally directed, is a "second-best" solution after the failure to transform aggression—it is not the soul's ultimate purpose, but a fallback choice when real growth and connection cannot be achieved.

We need to face and acknowledge the existence of aggression rather than suppress or deny it—suppression only leads to accumulation and explosion, and denial robs us of the chance to transform it. The key is not to be driven by it, but to respect its power, understand its nature, and learn to turn it into a driving force for growth. This transformative ability is not innate; it can be learned through practice—by enhancing self-awareness, learning effective emotional expression, and establishing healthy interpersonal boundaries. Gradually, we can become masters of our aggression, not its slaves.

The sadomasochistic relationships we become entangled in are, in a sense, mirrors—they reflect our untransformed anger, unfulfilled growth desires, and our relationship with our own aggression. Every abusive or victimized interaction is a cry of unmet growth needs.

IV. Cultural Background: When Transformative Paths Collapse

In traditional societies, mainstream culture emphasized transforming raw impulses such as aggression and sexuality into forces serving higher moral standards and social order. This cultural imprint participates in shaping our inner judge (the psychoanalytic superego) and also influences certain collective psychological dimensions (Jung's collective unconscious). The harshness of the inner judge can, to some extent, be understood as the internalization of traditional culture's "morality above all" and "order above all"—we turn external moral constraints into inner self-criticism, trying to achieve culturally sanctioned "perfection" by suppressing raw impulses.

Ideally, authority figures in traditional culture (e.g., parents, teachers, social elites) could have played the role of "transformative guides"—helping us understand our raw energies and channeling aggression, sexuality, and other drives into constructive forces (academic achievement, career development, social contribution, relational harmony). But when these authorities themselves display hypocrisy, harshness, and lack of empathy, or when there is a clear gap between their teachings and their own behavior (e.g., demanding moral compliance from others while violating it freely), we lose role models and pathways for transformation, and begin to doubt the very possibility of transformation.

Some people who become immersed in sadomasochistic relationships may be unconsciously rebelling against traditional authoritative postures. They have lost trust in authority and refuse to shape their personality according to traditional "role models" (here, perfecting personality does not mean striving to maintain a superficial moral image, but moving toward wholeness at the soul level). Some exhibit "laziness" in personal growth—a silent resistance: refusing to obey the harsh inner judge, refusing to carry out the "mission" endowed by tradition, using this stance to fight against hypocritical authority and unreasonable constraints.

However, this "rebellion" itself may fall into a trap of the traditional narrative: the traditional narrative often says "without restraint, people will degenerate," using this to justify the necessity of authority. When we rebel by indulging our instincts (e.g., unrestrained release of aggression, addiction to sensory stimulation), we inadvertently confirm this claim, reinforcing the narrative that "humans need strict discipline." But precisely because in many cases the authorities who preach "restraint" do not restrain themselves, this emphasis becomes ironic, fueling continued rebellion—the more we see the hypocrisy of authority, the more we tend to rebel through indulgence.

Nevertheless, rebellion itself does not teach us to transform aggression—we reject the old transformative paths but do not build new, healthy transformative capacities. As a result, raw aggression loses effective guidance, either being discharged chaotically or cycling endlessly in sadomasochistic loops.

When the credibility of traditional authority diminishes, society may experience a period of moral ambiguity and value orientation confusion, during which sadomasochistic phenomena may increase; at the same time, untransformed raw aggression may be released in more disorderly and destructive ways, manifesting at the social level as escalating interpersonal conflicts and group antagonisms. This, to some extent, reflects the consequences of lacking effective pathways for transforming raw energy.

V. The True Way Out

The real way out is neither a return to old, hypocritical authority nor the indulgence of instinctual release, but the gradual rebuilding of our capacity to transform aggression—whether through self-awareness, emotional regulation, and boundary-setting at the individual level, or through new cultural models of guidance (e.g., values that emphasize empathy, inclusion, and respect for individual autonomy).

In sufficiently safe psychotherapeutic relationships, we can safely explore our aggression and trauma; in growth-oriented communities that allow trial and error, we can learn healthy conflict expression and interpersonal interaction. In these spaces, we can relearn how to relate to aggression—how to maintain aggression without destroying relationships, how to receive criticism without turning into a victim, how to point out others' problems without becoming an abuser.

When we learn to transform aggression into self-acceptance, sincere urging, and constructive action, the cycle of victimhood and sadism will naturally loosen, and we can truly move toward personality integration and emotional freedom.